U Not Gonna Like This

A story from the archives of Men's News Daily:

Forget the Bicycle, Get in the Boat!




June 26, 2003



by Joe Blow



This is my response to Karen De Coster’s recent piece "Fishes and Bicycles: Who’s Paying For Dinner?"



While Karen and I see eye to eye on most things this is not necessarily one of them. I offer an alternative, decidedly male, tongue-in-cheek perspective on the issue of dinner. Granted, Karen’s position is light-hearted, not PC (what would you expect from the self-professed Queen of Political Incorrectness?), and oh-so-traditional, but it also contains a very disturbing element: a lack of respect for men as equals.



While Karen is an accomplished writer and fellow paleolibertarian she (sadly) also displays the same attitude towards men as many of the feminists that she so often ridicules: a pronounced sense of female superiority and male ineptness - except when it comes to males as beasts of burden doing all of those things that women don’t want to do themselves. How convenient. She is really saying, "Do as I say, not as I do." The term hypocritical tyrant comes to mind.



Karen writes, "Women want more authority and control over men." Spoken like a true tyrant. She goes on to say, "Okay guys, so modern Left-feminism has made a laughingstock out of some of you, but that’s no excuse. It’s not too late to turn your conduct around right here and now. Expecting a woman to pay for dinner - on a date - is wimpy, guys." Expecting a man to (always) pay for dinner - on a date - is narcissistic, a bedrock trait of (female) tyrants.



"Men buy our meals and we maintain things like laundry, shopping lists, and the long, long list of his ‘Male Faults.’" Such a deal! For the privilege of forking over $50 for dinner we get an added bonus, a list of our faults, as defined, specified, scrutinized, categorized, and documented by a female tyrant. Let’s buy some more women dinner!



"But guys are indispensable in other, manly ways…. Ever get a hankerin’ for some sort of snack at around midnight? Especially in January, when it’s 13 below zero, and you don’t want to go out? Men do these things and they don’t complain. Send them out to the store for blueberry-almond-fudge-broccoli ice cream at midnight, and they’ll go." This sounds much like the orders that Hitler gave to his troops on the Eastern front headed for Moscow. They didn’t complain either because most of them froze to death in Russia wearing summer uniforms.



"How about carrying the bags - all six of them - on your trip to the Mall of America? Or any shopping mall will do." Being a beast of burden is not my idea of self-actualization, the tip of Maslow’s pyramidal hierarchy of needs. I say anyone who buys more stuff than they alone can carry isn’t wrapped too tight in the first place - and probably also owns at least 30 pairs of shoes.



"Men also run out to pick up the Chinese, carry-out order in the middle of rush hour traffic. Part of the bargain is that you let him stop and pick up a six-pack on the way back." Bingo! Note the "you let him stop and pick up a six-pack" crack. Since when does a man need permission to buy a six-pack? That great American hero, Al Bundy, said it best, "Pretty women make us buy beer, ugly women make us drink beer." (Of course, real men make their own beer, but that’s another piece altogether.)



"Despite Gloria Steinem, every fish needs a bicycle to carry out the masculine act of buying her dinner." Balderdash! Forget the bicycle, get in the boat, we’re going fishing instead. Dinner will be what we catch, clean, and cook.



If you want to get to know someone don’t head for the restaurant, head for the bait shop, enroute to the boat. Instead of perusing a wine list and selecting the proper fork you should be checking out the minnows and choosing the proper jig to catch those giant crappies.



Watching a woman bait her own hook will tell you much more about her than you ordering her a $30 bottle of wine. Bring along your camcorder because if she shows up wearing 3" heels with manicured nails you are probably in line for at least one Oscar in the documentary category.



Ensure that your cooler is well stocked with brewskis, preferably homebrew. If she asks you for a Gold Cadillac (or any other drink that requires a blender) just tell her that you don’t have a liquor license while you hand her a frosty homebrew instead. Her reaction will speak volumes so pay close attention.



Should it get rough or start raining you will be treated to even more inside information regarding what makes this particular woman tick. High Maintenance types will melt on the spot, much like the Wicked Witch of the West. They belong indoors with the rest of the Painted Ladies instead of enjoying the great outdoors with you so don’t expect too much from them.



Who knows? You could get lucky and find a former tomboy (with two older brothers!) who not only baits her own hook, but also knows how to clean and fillet a 6 lb. walleye. The two of you may have to fight over who gets to cook dinner. If you ever catch one of these keepers, please let me know. I’ll open a door for her any day of the week, and not because she wants me to.



So, Karen, are we taking my boat or yours?




Joe Blow